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Thursday, March 11th, 2010

Subject:Covering all my basements
Time:4:54 am.
When you taught me how to bite properly and that sigh escaped your lips
the clenching of your fingertips on my thigh was enough to light up the dark places
where uncertainty once laid claim to an open bed
and the space where my hand lies deserted, fingers twitching in my sleep, i awoke to find occupied with your hand
changing the bewitching hour to those few minutes after the moan and before the hallelujah
the light sneaking in
and it's always seven am around here isn't it

I was diving too deep for something everyone had a need to label
because when you kissed me and whispered
just breath, i want to hear you breath
i was reminded of the warmth i was surrounded by
lying by your side i've become a fat house cat content with the rise and fall of dreams
and each scar that rose to meet my fingers i traced like lines on a map
highways with dead ends leading to locked doors
the skeletons in my closet could never be reconfigured to make the perfect key
and for once, for all my searching and thirst for answers not knowing this was ok with me

You see, it had to be

Because peeling you off me like layers of smoke and chapped lips
it was like drifting away on a breeze that i tried to capture in a jar
like trying to seal an actual kiss in a letter i wrote in dissapering ink
no proof of this beautiful thing left for someone to capture with films
i left my nose buried deep in your hair longing for your scent to take up residency in my pockets

That drink that we shared that led to another that lead to the truth
seeping out of your mouth like forever
like a road in the desert that goes on never ending
and while your heart needs so much mending, this time playing doctor just wont cut it
i dont have the cure for broken blood vessels and thinning of the arteries
those gouges where happiness uproot from our chambers
i can't stitch up dead tissue and my ears cant lend way to your past
as if tears were to be used in the building of a bridge
i'm sinking in your worry, it's like i'm behind enemy lines
spying where i don't belong wanting to say something to make it not so not ok
but all i can do is stay
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, March 30th, 2009

Subject:If you're reading this...
Time:11:20 am.

Watch this, because i love you. Because you should know.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, March 6th, 2009

Subject:A fall from grace...
Time:11:19 am.
In so many words she was pristine in my eyes
she's been broken so many times she should have given up
broken spirit, broken wallet, broken bones

So when we wheeled her down that hall
past muttering souls seemingly lost in translation
reaching out to touch me, i remind them all of someone
as if peering into a looking glass to the past

Mary, they'd call me

Susan, they'd beg

Bernadette? one asked, then weeping words in french i could not understand
she made the sign of the cross and kissed my hand

My matriarch kept mumbling under her breath about the smell
all i could think of was rotting fruit baskets
i smelled desperation amongst the clean sheets
fear was common among the prying eyes

This has to be a mistake

This woman so noble
my role model
my saving grace
sitting there not talking
eyes a blaze, basking in future redemption i could not yet see
that stiff neck brace covered by her hair

I'd brushed her hair for her three times this morning
"First impressions and all" she said
i thought then how ironic that phrase
because no one here would remember us
and the rest, it seemed, already knew me in some other form

They took her vitals
they took her pills and purse
they took her dignity

And lying there in that neck brace
curled up on that bed
she said to me
she never wanted to be a burden to anyone
no matter how many times i assured her she wasn't
she hid her face in her hands

She asked me what kind of a god could be so cruel
what jesus would allow such pain
she sobbed she couldn't sit up
she'd shrunk 6 inches in the last two years
lost 45 pounds
her wedding ring didn't fit anymore, it kept coming lose

And i hugged her because that's all i knew how to help
and my mother scoffed at the nurse for asking if my grandma would be out of there soon
covering her mouth with little effort, whispering with raised tone
she replied
"not if i can help it"

Cue me enraged
give me passion
give me honesty
flash me loyalty
show me dignity you bitch

When my mother finally sat down with us
my great-grandmother, she said,
"When i die, i was Jessica to have that painting of the Virgin Mary riding the donkey."
she turned to me and winked whispering
"Don't worry, i've been saving all the things you've given me, you'll get them back"

And it hit me

Is that what death is to some people?
Hope you've kept your receipts and lists
heaven forbid my brother get the angels i made for her last year

And what would i do with a box full of gifts
of things i made for her
is it too late to call no takesie-backsies?

She took a fall last sunday
she broke her nose
she broke her spine
she broke her neck

But looking at her in that room
her freedom revoked
pills given on a schedule
it seems to me she's taken the biggest fall of all
a fall from grace.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, February 27th, 2009

Subject:violent sunsets
Time:11:29 am.
definition of a good day:

you wake up kinda late, and that rash is still on your collar bone from your rats. and that reminds you to check on your rat cause he cut his foot last night.

he's ok.

you go downstairs to use the bathroom and of course the seat is warm, because the toilet is next to the heater, but the ceramic tile floor is freezing.

you grunt in annoyance. cold bad!

you go back upstairs and check out your daily websites. this should only take you a few minutes, an hour tops.

two hours later you go back to bed.

you finish watching the movie you put in, and replay it because you could watch this movie forever and it wouldn't get old. and lets face it, that's rare.

and you nap.

you wake up and change. you call your best friend and head out her way. you stop at the gas station and the old indian woman pretends she doesn't know how to take the 89 cent soda off your bill, so you go out and brave the cold rain to dig 36 cents out of the car.

you drive for 35 minutes.

you hang out for a while. and while you're sitting on the couch, your boyfriend puts his arm around you and jerks, making you bite your lip. and now it's bleeding slightly and is already starting to swell so you swear a lot.

then you eat.

this whole time you've been texting two other friends.

cause you worry.

one comes over, as does another friend, and we laugh.

you realize it's already 2 in the morning and you have to be up and outta the house at 11:30.

your boyfriend starts the car.

45 minutes later he you leave.

less then one minute of awkward silence and you've delved into issues, and you spend the rest of the car ride home giving this shcpeel and you get home and your boyfriend leans down to kiss you.

and you laugh and cry.

because it's sweet...
but your lip is still fucking busted
and kissing hurts

then you go upstairs and fill up your rats food dish

and you search your computer for a picture of your friend to tag and upload because you gave him your word.

then you write it all out...

because today is a day to remember
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, February 26th, 2009

Subject:Somed​ays my best frien​d has a reall​y crapp​y day.​.​.​
Time:2:21 am.
Mood:needed, if only for a minute.
And i go over and try to cheer​ her up, but the thing​s that make her sad aren'​t the kind you can cheer​ up and make go away.​ So we just sit there​ reall​y quiet​ly,​ not a foot apart​,​ and we breat​he rythm​icaly​ until​ she'​s not breat​hing so fast or shall​ow anymo​re.​ And she doesn​'​t look at me right​ away,​ but i know she'​s feeli​ng a littl​e bit bette​r.​ And for a momen​t,​ i feel REALL​Y genui​nly impor​tant to someo​ne.​
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, February 25th, 2009

Subject:This morning
Time:1:27 pm.
I dreamt vividly of California.

The streets hit the ground running
they hit me so hard i didn't have time to catch my breath
in my minds eye i relived my short time there and i saw my friends
the wind was cold,
but there...

at the top near Grace Cathedral..
where all good things must begin and end
there, near the swing set and across from the steps
the breathtaking view of the city, and the only grass to be found away from Golden Gate

it was there i wept in realization it could be only a dream

and so i called my friend Jonathan
and we went out for coffee

we smiled and i tried to hide my bitter teeth
the shades and hue of vernon sweeping over my skin
i could hug him but not smell him
his colors started to fade away the more he smiled
and then he had to go

the fog rolled in and i looked down to see the once brilliant streets
had begun to melt and roll away with the drizzle
in desperation i dropped down to my knees
the resounding crack stopped me but for a moment
and i bit my lip in an attempt to hold back tears of frustration

for no matter how hard i tried to scoop up california
no matter how hard i tried to preserve my dream
it slipped through my fingers

my blood mingling with the asphalt and grass
my tears coagulating with the raindrops
the sunlight creeping in through the curtains pulling me back

and i shook my head no
no i'd rather stay here tormented by beauty

but what do i know
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, October 31st, 2008

Time:12:30 am.
I wrote a good poem about you
and erased it until the paper wore through
until the eraser shredded and the desktop
was covered with granular pink shreds
the visible debris of second thought
mixed among shreds of notebook paper

the compound debris of what might have been written

about you and your longing brown eyes
and black hair

the writing of it sore from thinking
about you too hard indeed sore from
looking at paper and lines of graphite
smears of graphite on loose leaf notebook paper

memories of looking directly into your eyes
as though your eyes were all there were
to look into in this life or the next

I wrote a good poem about all of this
and regretted not only writing it
but the memory of looking into your eyes
and kissing your lips and you softly
kissing mine too softly almost sadly
as if you knew that none of it could be held
that what you'd done you had not really done
and that it could be deleted and begun anew

on a new day with a fresh sheet of notebook paper
and a newly sharpened pencil after
the sharpener had done its circular grinding
after you had done all of your grinding
on a new morning when the paper was new

your real heart still yet to be born

I wrote a good poem about you
but where is it now I just want to know
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, October 15th, 2008

Subject:It's true
Time:9:44 pm.
There's this tingling in my fingers
and a familiar scent in my nose
a taste on my tongue i can't forget
and hands on my waist pulling me in

There's this smile that i can't deny
my lips curl up and i exhale
no way to avoid this it's true
irregular heartbeats and shortness of breath

It's impossible to define, i find
the thoughts that my mind spits out
when i find myself in your company
just do it, don't second guess it, wait hold on!

Fever burning in my brain
i want you to feel what i'm feeling
sleep can't come too soon to take me away
from the in between moments

Judge these days in nights
keep track of these hours in lifetimes
count kisses by how hard you fell
and hold hands like there's no reason to ever let go.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, September 24th, 2008

Subject:Affect me
Time:12:59 am.
I'm hardwired to perceive the injustice that is individuality
beware the irony of tomorrow existing within today
if indeed we are living nothing more then a test pilot for existence
assumptions of unspeakable messages transferred through our finger tips
the fraying bits of our intelligence are underlying problems we don't discuss in the day time hours

flesh upon flesh
we pile upon each other slide around in porous amounts of bodily fluids
because that is what we do best
and between swallowing each others tears
in the midst of bathing in the blood of a lover
we connect in ways unimaginable to the skies

in a world of bleached bones and chemically altered follicles
i am an exposed nerve of conceptual inconsistencies
you keep your story straight long enough and you're bound to find out
that i'm not the person you thought i was
and your pre-conceived notions

affect me
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, September 22nd, 2008

Subject:Dissalusioned aftershock
Time:10:08 pm.
I say that if the town i come from has a personality
let it be known for being a black hole of contradictions
the beauty that stems forth from the darkness is endless
and we are but pomp and circumstance disguised as illusions of grandeur
i try my hand at many things, which is to say i am unaware of my potential
sleeping through my adolescence i awoke with responsibilities tied to the dead limbs of birch trees
each one stained a color of the fall
the yellows and reds mixed with the browns which in turn stand apart from the greens
this pallet of destruction is concrete evidence of the nothingness i am
chaos emerges from unswept floors and untucked beds and it haunts my mind
it haunts me in the way an unheard symphony passes through your veins when you sleep
in a way that can't be defined and that you'll never know about in your waking life
the hours we chose to keep time with, the means in which we keep tally of our progressive decay
i am two cups of coffee at three fourty seven in the morning
what you don't need right when you need it, shaking off your underlying vulnerability you emerge anew
and the world is much brighter and quieter when you court her aloud, when you make your feelings known
it is when you stand to lose the most that you fear no longer what you can't understand
what is just beyond your reach
i am unbridled chaos and i'm spiral outward at the rate of one thousand smiles per second
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, September 14th, 2008

Subject:Take control
Time:11:58 pm.
Let's talk about idiosyncrocies
and general maldeficiencies of the heart
i want to discuss with you i i may
your test scores

You're not doing so good in the long range
your general scope of humanitarian events is significantly decreasing
the endeavours you've chosen to pursue could be seen as
spontaneous and irrevokably damaging to your psyche

Tie your fears to this pole
let my words chill your winter of discontent child
we don't want you getting any crazy ideas
lets not be rash here
you're not going anywhere
you'll never be anyone important

The hush of fall means it's time to investigate
what is it about you that's so insistent
so mellow dramatic
you dance in the sunlight like you have no issues
this can't be tolerated
this will not be excused

Shifting left and right
the light in your eyes is inescapable
your smile has been deemed
untraceable in theory
wake up wake up

wake up

wake up

stand up
think up
grow up

be bigger
be better
be the you you've always wanted to be

don't cry so much
don't look down so much
poise is key in fooling the masses
live your life on your own terms

because no one else is going to do it for you.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:I am
Time:11:57 pm.
I've been conversing with myself
in the shadows i spin tales
of who i want in my life
of who i've let in my heart
i'm trying to find the plot holes
i'm trying to let you help me fill them

I'm inconsistent and sloppy
misjudged and unexpected
the things i want from day to day change
because i never know what i want

Because you see there's this angle in my face
where the corners of my eyes turn outward
and the infinite possibilities of the universe connect
keeping to itself for a fleeting second
tucked away in the wrinkles i have forming
wrinkles from crying and screaming
from laughing and smiling
though it's certain that i am but a speck in this infinite universe
i'm making the most of it

I won't give up because i can't
i was raised stronger then that
when you were telling me i couldn't
i was crying myself to sleep swearing into my pillow
whispering that i'd show you

and i did

When i said i loved you with all i had
i did
i did, and i showed it poorly at times
my judgment isn't always trustworthy
as i get older i find myself being able to say
"nope i won't do that, i learned my lesson last time"
i also find myself making some of the key mistakes over and over again
and i am aware that i am doing them

I am a hopeless romantic
this heart, this organ the blood within me
it's been spilled many times
and i can admit that on more then one occasion
i spilled it
i watched it run down the drain
i witnessed my life literally drip dropping on the linoleum tile
of my mothers bathroom
at 3:27 in the morning

I never claimed to be self sufficiant my friends
but i'm trying to make myself that way
i'm doing my least to make it happen
i admit i'm not trying hard at all
because once i get comfortable i stew
my brain is mush
but i feel the tides turning in my soul

Tonight while most of you sleep i sit here
the glow of technology bathing my face
thinking these thoughts that will be forgotten in years to come
i'm living
i'm breathing
i'm dreaming and scheming and there's no stop to what i might be

I don't want your drugs
i don't want your cigarettes
i don't want your mistakes

I'm gonna go down in history as the girl who lived
who never achieved any sort of fame
never got rich
never got stoned out of her mind
who's sex tape never leaked onto the internet
and who was ok with that

i'm ok with that

I'm ok with me
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, June 22nd, 2008

Subject:A reminder
Time:11:49 am.
Incandescent sunshine fills the corners of my empty mind
the cobwebs swaying in the breeze
light trapped in the corners of your mouth
i haven't see the natural light in so very long
that you caught me off guard

I staggered back
i fell
i scrapped my fingertips
raw and bleeding i slicked back my hair and stood up
you'll never know your impact on me
because i've never been the type to share

I slept too long again
and upon awakening i viewed the black spots
burned into my corneas from hours too few and far between to possibly account for
let alone to add up upon my fingers and toes
the screams still ring fresh in my head
the terror filled eyes upon me
a reminder to wake up sooner
a clifnote on how to live the unwaking life

you'd never have known...
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, June 11th, 2008

Subject:Dear Jessica
Time:7:03 pm.
It has come to my attention that you wish to retire from this present state of affairs. If you chose to do so i regret to inform you that you will not receive your benifits package and you will also therein forfeit your right to claim any and all severence pay.

Should you chose to stay on board with said scheduled life, i can not assure you happiness or prosperity. No love is guranteed, neither is acceptance. All this organization can give to you for certain is some faded memories and some hearts in desperate need of repair having been broken down over the course of the last six years.

If indeed this should be the last time we correspond let me be the first to say that it has been a pleasure working with you, and we hope that you find what it is that you are looking for on the other side. Assuming that is that there is another side.

We cannot ensure it's existence.

Foridably yours,
Your life
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, June 9th, 2008

Subject:I like it rough
Time:3:13 am.
Subsequently it is my wish to explain
all that which i have done
with fervor i wrote to you
the words that ensue are not my own
in their entirety they stand witness to my tradgedy
to my triumphant return to the glorified state of being

these verses are just words
nothing more then slips of the preverbal tongue
i'm passing on to you the things i have learned
things i can not quite comprehend
misguided judgments tumble into the great unknown
and these lips spill vile dribble overflowing from the palette
the very same that houses the teeth that will chew you up
i will not spit you out however i will hold onto you in the back of my throat
just like build up

build me up and tear me down no matter how you interact
you chose your own path your own fate they say it's possible
i'm spilling out these internal organs of mine
collect them in a paper plate and hold it up high towards the sun
hide away other meanings censor my words so that the generations
those that occupy space and time all at once
those on another plane of existence
so they may know your version of my words

penance is just another way to say masturbation
punish me for your self righteous touch on my social outcome
start out slow, kiss these lips with your false promise of absolutions
then slide your brittle fingertips down my spine absorbing my backbone as you go
put me in my place with your rules and arbitrarily ambiguously indifference
and when you penetrate me with your forced sight don't hold back
cause i like it rough
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, June 5th, 2008

Subject:Oh what a thing to've done
Time:4:06 pm.
Mood: loved.
Unmerciful mercenaries
brought on by unexpected complications
though you're not near to me
the physicality of the matter
matters not

The ghost of your touch is ever present
and i tried counting the stars last night
in the absence of your presence
they were seemingly dull
and altogether unattainable

Planes of shifting light
catch my irises and light them ablaze
they dance for you
just for you
this is for you

My fingers trace the outline of my feelings
in the air the circles slide into paradox
and i the whispers of my love crash into the silent receivers
the audio box
the vocal chords
become unvocal
when it comes to dictionaries
i am no thesaurus
yielding to my wishes is to no avail
unavailable is my heart
you took it

One is to say alone
two is to say there is another

Today for us is one
the most unified one
the most uncomprehensive one
we are one
i love just one

you will always be my one
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, May 27th, 2008

Subject:R.I.P. Dear Harold
Time:8:11 pm.
Mood: discontent.
I miss you dear friend...

Knowing you're gone means it's all really over.
Knowing you're gone means i can move on...
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:The calm after the storm
Time:7:10 pm.
Mood: grateful.
Is non existent.

It's more of a feeling of being grateful.

Which i am.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, May 26th, 2008

Subject:21 days
Time:2:23 am.
emotions run rampent
disbelief strikes me first
how could twenty one days has passed through my fingers
and me not even notice it
it would seem that what you and i posess
impresses and defies time itself
secondly my senses abandon my good sense
i need to taste your skin, subtle goosebumps rising under my lips
my name whispered, your voice makes the brain cell buzz stop
wading soul-deep into pools of brown, i could swim in your gaze forever
your body pressed to mine, to tight that if we kissed i swear we'd melt right through
and how i need to rest my head on your shoulder and burry my nose in your hair, intoxicating
sorrow, alas, comes to me third
why now and not sooner
but i'm so sure that we've lived a thousand past lives together
soulmates forging defiant footsteps forever etched in the sands of time
hush now, hear my heart
and all the ways it speaks to and for you
thump, thump sweet bliss
beat, beat this is my heaven
lean in, lips hovering
i quiver at the thought, dearest i move closer...
senses run wild, and my hands
they grip the bench so tight that i fear it will brake off in my hands
you beat me to it, to my own suprise
i've gone weak, i shake
let them wander, let them rise...ever so slowly...
my heart can't take this i fear
slowly...my god there they are
your eyes, they pierce my soul and every time i look at them i hear a love song just for me
don't smile...i'll blush
don't brush the hair out of my face...what little composure i have will melt away
must you hold my head, along with my heart cradled in your hands rocking my worry far far away
because if you do i'll be forced to cry these tears of
trust and love
one minute with you is amazingly sweet
but twenty one days?

that's what i live for!
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:An Ode!
Time:2:22 am.
An Ode:

As I stumble in
sleep deprevation,
or i shudder in
or fall pray to
or worse,
collapse in total,
falling away
from all
my mind lost in
i realize that
there is no hope
of elevation
from my lowly,
perverse station,
as long as i bow
at the alter of:
The tight-skirted goddess
of Procrastenation.
Comments: Add Your Own.

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